I never learned to surf

As a kid, I loved growing up in California, but I hit escape velocity at 18 and never looked back. I had big dreams that over the years became small dreams, and one of them was to someday return.

I had pretty much given up on California when I got an interesting opportunity. I was working for a company in Texas, and there was a job that could be in Denver or in the San Francisco Bay Area. I wanted Denver, despite my dream, because I am practical and didn’t want to face the cost of living.

After the interview, they asked me if California was a deal breaker, and I said no even though it was because I knew they would never pay me enough money to live there.

The offer came for California. I cried and cried. Why me, why now? I’m too old to make this work. I turned it down, and they came back with more money. I turned it down again, and they came back with more money. It was still not enough to make it a slam dunk, but it was enough to make me think.

It was Labor Day weekend, and my husband and I were doing the math. Can we make this work? Once we accepted we would buy a house we could never pay off in our lifetime, it became possible. We said let’s do it.

We fell back in love with California and ultimately retired here. We found ourselves loving the farmer’s markets, wineries, warm days and cool nights. We brought our little teardrop trailer with us from Texas. We called it the toaster – and started to enjoy the local beauty on weekend camping trips.

Aside from the astronomical mortgage and a ridiculous commute, it felt like this was where we were supposed to be.

The summer before I retired and moved to a more affordable part of the state, we went camping at Jalama Beach in Santa Barbara County. We had a primo spot facing the ocean. We toasted at happy hour and said look at us, we have arrived! Camping on the beach in California.

The next day we sat on the beach watching the surfers, and an overwhelming sense of sadness washed over me. I’m from Southern California, not far from the beach. How come I never learned to surf? I guess because our family struggled to fulfill life’s basic needs, and we didn’t do extra things. My sister and I were encouraged to graduate from high school and not get pregnant.

As we get older, it’s easy to get caught up in what ifs and missed opportunities. We owe it to ourselves to do the hard work and move on. So, I turned my thoughts to surfing. About what it would be like to face down the ocean. To just step in there and paddle out to sea with little more than a board and courage. To bob around and then pick a wave and hope it’s the right one. To ride it until you fall and then get back up and try again.

And as the glorious California sun dropped down into the edge of the ocean, I realized I’ve been surfing all my life.