A trip to Ulta

They say millennials love them some Ulta and spend a small fortune there on makeup, but to me, it’s like the creepy funhouse at the carnival. However, I needed conditioner. As I entered, I heard a guy talking to his wife. He said, “And I don’t like these surprise Ulta trips, either.” My husband, meanwhile, was hiding safely in the car. I said 10 minutes, but it was more like 30. Things happened.

In the category of too much information, I have this itchy discolored patch of skin on my back called Notalgia Paresthetica. Dale calls it my nostalgia. I had just visited the dermatologist, who suggested I experiment with topical treatments for the itch. Lotions with Alpha Hydroxy Acids (AHAs) may help.

Seemed like a good idea to look for it at Ulta since I was already there. I went through the cheap stuff aisles and then made my way over to the fancy stuff. An older and beautifully groomed makeup enthusiast with silver hair was shopping the same zone, and she said to me, “This cream is supposed to get rid of wrinkles.”

I said, oh, wrinkles, I try not to worry about them, and she said that’s because you don’t have them. I showed her my neck, like what are you blind? And then she showed me hers.

“Look at this!” And she points to a small spot under her chin. I couldn’t see it at first, but basically it was a scar. She said it was from a facelift gone bad. She starts rattling off the doctor’s name so I would never go there, and I said got it, no problem.

She asked politely how old I was. 62. She said I had the skin of a 50-year-old. Thanks, I replied, even though I’m not sure I feel right about being grateful for misguided illusions of youth. She told me she was 78, and I gushed a bit and said she looked fantastic. She stroked her neck and said once again how badly her facelift was botched.

By this time, I did not believe it was my destiny to find the lotion I wanted. As I was looking for an escape route, she started in on her next topic, which was what to eat so you look younger. Pro tip: lots of fruits and vegetables. Then she told me about some pill you can take that also helps.

Finally, I said, good luck on your journey and slowly eased away, back to the shampoo and conditioner section, where I know my shit. Later, I dropped off the ball and chain (Dale) at home and went to Marshall’s in pursuit of golf clothes at rock bottom prices.

For a long time, I hated shopping and didn’t give much thought to what I wear, but I’m coming around again. Like a second wind. Shopping is more fun now that I have the time to search and wait for bargains. The idea of finding stylish retirement clothes on a retirement budget is a challenge that strangely appeals to me.

Anyway, who appears but my friend from Ulta. She said, “Oh, hello, we meet again!” I smiled and said hi but kept moving. She said, “Don’t worry. I won’t lecture you again.” I guess she realized she went a bit too far, and that made me like her.

I watched her walk away in her snug little jeans, and I thought, that is a good-looking woman. I would hope to look that good at 78, but it seemed to me she was still mourning the loss of 48. And it kind of breaks my heart. We are smarter and stronger and better than we’ve ever been, but are we irrelevant unless we cheat time?

On a positive note, I did score a pair of Callaway shorts for $12. And I ordered my AHA cream on Amazon.