According to the New York Times, older women are furious about past injustices. I tried to summon repressed anger in the spirit of solidarity, but it’s just not there. Certainly, I have a few bad memories recorded in the great big picture book of moral crimes and misdemeanors, but I choose to let it go. I find myself too happy to be enraged.
I do understand and support the #MeToo movement. I feel empathy for those who hurt. Still, I like to think we can feel and express our anger in real time and then challenge, litigate or move on. Not to excuse bad behavior, but life will throw you curve balls, some of them quite horrific. One woman in the article said she was still furious, still dealing with residual rage, after being asked how fast she could type.
Everyone owns their own experiences, but in my view, a sexist expectation about typing hardly ranks in the Tower of Troubles. Even if it was particularly horrible for that person for some reason, dwelling on it 40 years later doesn’t seem healthy to me.
Even as a child, the idea that nothing bad would ever happen to me seemed ridiculous. My family life was dysfunctional and emotionally abusive. It was a slow start, but I climbed my way out, and the trajectory only goes up from there. I experienced sexual harassment and other injustices along the way, although I’ve never been assaulted. My trajectory flatlined twice with illness and then with a sociopath who tried to destroy my career.
Working with the sociopath was the worst year of my life, and I’ve had cancer twice. Oh, and by the way, the sociopath was a woman. But as I think about her now, I just feel sad it had to go down that way. I was treated badly. Lots of people stood on the sidelines and watched with a knowing eye. I felt like someone should have saved me, and no one did. So, I saved myself. I cut my losses and got the fuck out of there.
All that said, I just can’t get too fired up about it anymore. It happened. It’s over. I have a good life. I’m exceedingly grateful. Maybe the anger women are expressing now is a variation of the same helplessness I felt when no one saved me from the sociopath. Are they looking for a savior? Social media to the rescue? They can hashtag all day long, and they might get clicks and likes, but I’m pretty sure no one will come.
I do not condone the behaviors documented by the #MeToo movement, and it doesn’t matter if you are 25 or 75 years old. I totally support addressing the issues by any means necessary. I’m glad older women are speaking up. And maybe that will help alleviate the repressed anger.
My point is that it’s equally important to take care of yourself from within. With professional help or without it, talk about it all you want, but fight to keep these experiences from cracking your core. Maybe this sounds naive, but I’ve reframed my entire life’s experiences as ingredients in the recipe that created the marvelous person I’ve become.
In the words of the Pet Shop Boys, happiness is an option.
I think some of the women have tried to, and possibly succeeded, in keeping the incident from “cracking their core,” but when the person who instigated the incident becomes, for example, someone elected to higher office or someone about to be put into a position of authority, well, that certainly brings it to the forefront. I applaud the courage of all those women. The typing thing you mention was probably annoying and frustrating, but fuming about it years later is pretty ridiculous, imo. I sometimes bring up the stupid rules for girls that were in place when I was growing up (half-court basketball, earlier curfews in the dorms, wearing dresses, etc.), but more for amusement value.
You make a good point. I could see how you think you might be over it, but then all of the sudden you’re not. Thanks for sharing that!
You said it better than I could have. All of us were harassed. It was part of the culture then. We remember, and we move on.
Thanks. It’s a delicate subject.
You are right – it is such a delicate subject. I’ve had arguments with close friends about various subtleties of MeToo. I’m often astonished about what passes for sexual harassment today, and I wonder what the young women calling people out for what I view as lesser transgressions would think if they were subject to some of the things our generation had to tolerate just to be in the workplace. And I struggle with the idea of calling someone out now for something they did decades ago (if they have changed their behavior in the meantime). What is that old phrase about living in interesting times???? Great post – thanks.
Interesting times, indeed! There was an article in the paper today about an ice skater who said she was assaulted. The guy crawled in bed with her, kissed her, she started crying and said stop. He stopped. It doesn’t make it right, but I view that as one of the lesser transgressions you describe. Of course, she could have other issues that made the incident particularly awful. Maybe she was molested by a family member, and it all came screaming back at that moment. It’s complicated.
I agree with you, it is more healthy for me to let go of past events, to forgive and to move on, and that is typically what I do. Holding on to rage from the past is not healthy and can lead to illness.
Absolutely. Forgiveness is so powerful. Bitterness is powerful, too, but in all the wrong ways.
We all have our stories. We’ve all had different life experiences at different times in our lives. It doesn’t help anyone to project your own feelings to judge someone else’s. Some people are more resilient to life’s injustices. I was brutally raped at 16 and thought the perpetrator was going to kill me. He continually stuck a knife to my throat, telling me if I didn’t stop crying, he would. I was held hostage, alone in a store at 19 and I fought my way out. I have always felt lucky I survived. I am now 64 and I cannot say that these experiences haven’t affected my life. Yes, I moved on but not without consequence. There are times when I can not only remember what happened, I can feel the terror of how I felt. Why, as women, do we have to always to have our own backs either at work, at school, walking down the street or at the grocery store. Are we ever totally safe? I think not. Yes, there are a lot of conniving, devious people out there who lie , both men and women. Don’t blame the victims, because it not only disrespects their core sense of self worth and truth, it is damaging to all of us. I never had anyone to go to to tell what happened to me until in later life. Good for women of all ages to have the courage and speak out. I wish I felt I could have done that at 16.
So many life lessons packed into your story. The part about some people being more resilient than others especially resonated with me. I will remember that when I read these accounts. Thank you for sharing your experience, as horrific as it was.