Home spa failures

The home spa is somewhat of a failure.

My hair is driving me nuts, and my cuticles are super-glued to my nails. My toes literally shredded the bottom of the bedsheet. I won’t even talk about my skin of many zits, but when this business is over, I’m going for some sort of deluxe spa treatment. Or maybe I could just run myself through Super Suds at the car wash.

Yes! Better than the Wheel Deal, better than the Ultimate and maybe even an overnight stay for detailing.

I want to walk out clean and shiny with all the dings repaired. Beauty base zero.

Although my hair looks good, my scalp itches, and I find hairs all over the house. I wonder if I am losing abnormal amounts of hair. Or is it breaking? I have dreams it drops off in clumps.

I would love to get an assessment from my stylist, but that is not within the art of the possible at this time. And so, I turn to poor, beleaguered Dale.

Would you look at my scalp and see if anything is going on?

Like what?

I don’t know. Redness. Scabs. Lice.

Sure.

We get under a light, and he pokes around for a while. Then he said, “Your hair is too dense. I can hardly see your scalp.”

Seriously, that is like dirty sex talk.

Oh, me of fairy hair? Dense? According to Dale, my hair is fine, but there seems to be plenty of it. What he could see of my scalp looked pink and healthy. In a miraculous display of the mind-body connection, my scalp stopped itching.

I don’t want to complain about staff at our home spa, but they can barely keep up. Praying the professionals arrive soon.

Public Service Announcement

I feel kind of bad I didn’t let you know this sooner. I mean, we’re almost a year into the lockdown, right? But it’s time you know the truth about public restrooms.

Yes, they’re mostly filthy, but there are unique moments in life when you won’t care.

You. Will. Not. Care.

Due to the pandemic, many of them will be closed when you need them the most.

For example, let’s imagine you are on the way to the golf course and have an unexpected bathroom emergency. You know from past experience the convenience store on the left won’t let you use theirs. Good thing Taco Bell is right next door! McDonalds is a few blocks further, but sometimes that is a block too far.

Let us imagine you walk up to the Taco Bell, which appears open, but the doors are locked. And you might imagine yourself pounding on the glass like Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate, “Elaine! Elaine!”

And in this totally fictitious situation, it would seem the drive-thru is indeed open, but because of the pesky pandemic, you can’t go inside. Literally.

This could get ugly fast, so in the interest of public service, I wanted to let you know many of the restrooms you formerly used while out and about may not be available to you during these unprecedented times.

Sure, you could always go to an empty church parking lot and stuff tissues down your pants, but this is only a temporary solution.

Taco Bell is dead to you, and you can’t always count on the Les Schwab Tire Center across the street to let you use theirs. But when some saint of a woman at the desk says sure, you will be forever indebted.

Be careful out there.

14 thoughts on “Home spa failures”

  1. For me, public restrooms are a thing of the past. I’m never sure where I’ll find one that is open — or that I’ll find one that is relatively clean. Fortunately, since March 2020, I’ve timed my outings to ensure that I can get back home before any bathroom urges are critical.

  2. Lol. My experience in driving cross country during Covid (oh joy) was that rest stop restrooms were beautifully, fantasticly pristine and clean. But that everytine I got gas, my bladder stared to call me. Bleach wipes in one pocket, mini sanitizer in the other! Seriously though , I was never a put paper on the potty type and I’m not about to change. If I made through latrine life in one piece… I figure it’s not going to transfer via my rear and along as I wash, touch nothing and repeat I’m good. You gotta admit though, guys have no earthly idea what we go thru. Oh, and im ordering a paraffin bath even if I can only dip one foot or hand at a time.

    1. Oh, a paraffin bath? The idea had not occurred to me. I might have to check that out.

      I admire your fortitude on the road.

  3. True confession: we were in a small town back in the summer and I got so desperate I squatted behind an abandoned vehicle in an alley with my husband as my lookout. The whole time I was terrified a cop might come along and arrest me for indecent exposure or public nuisance, but ya do what ya gotta do. These are definitely strange times.

    1. I would do the same! One time we were stuck for hours in slow moving traffic due to a big accident. There was really no way to exit. My husband had to go. We had been camping, so we had some junk food around. He used an empty snack can and did it while driving.

    1. Hmmm. We have a thing called a Luggable Loo that we use for camping. I could put that in the car, but I’d still have to find a private place. Still, it would be better than nothing. I didn’t spell it out, but my near-miss was of a gastrointestinal nature. A bit more challenging. Hopefully, that will not happen again any time soon.

      1. Gastrointestinal is precisely why we bought our portable loo. The bags are made of material similar to what is used on the outside of a baby diaper.

  5. My sister and I consider ourselves pretty good at thinking outside the box, but anytime we try to brainstorm ways to DO something, the conversation eventually turns to bathrooms and we give up. I will say that during spring/summer/fall, we had a lot of success with bathrooms in community parks. I packed a large ziplock with TP, paper towels, hand san, and baby wipes because supplies and/or water were sometimes not available. Now that it’s routinely in the low 30s, we doubt that they would be unlocked. So thanks to Tamara’s response, I will be checking out the portable!

    I have a paraffin bath – it’s an amazing way to get that skin softened up. Also, my podiatrist told me not to even use pumice on my feet – just use a good moisturizer on them, preferably with a cotton sock, before bed. It really works.

    And thanks for the “Rake” recommendation – it has been a great distraction during this past week.

    1. I keep a little kit in my car as well, but I hadn’t thought of water — what a smart idea! And thanks for the great foot recommendations — I will try it out.

      Try as I might, I can’t remember the “Rake” recommendation. Now it’s driving me nuts.

      1. Oh, Rake is the Australian lawyer tv series! It has been just what I needed while trying not to be totally consumed with the insurrection in DC.

        1. I have to weigh in on the dry skin thing – my feet are a w f u l in the winter, and no moisturizer or petroleum jelly helped. What has helped, and which I read repeatedly about online, is to simply soak my feet in warm soapy water for 15-20 minutes, dry, then exfoliate. Day one was, well, gross. So much dead skin! Day two was better – much less dead skin to remove. Day three treatment saw the return of fresh skin on the surface. By the fourth treatment my feet were close to being back to normal, with minimal crack lines. So I’m now maintaining them by doing the treatment every two to three days.

          I use a Dr. Scholls exfoliating brush, which probably costs under $10. The rest of the treatment is free.

          1. This sounds like great advice! I realize now it was my skin not my nails that shredded my sheet. Uck.

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