Fix the problem not the person

Some couples claim they never argue, but that would not be us. We’ve been married 42 years, and we hardly ever agree on anything right out of the chute. Sometimes we lovingly discuss, negotiate and reach compromises, but there are plenty of occasions when we just get mad at each other and sulk.

For example, we’re getting new flooring downstairs, and the choice comes down to Luxury Vinyl Plank (LVP) or engineered hardwood. One of us, a lazy tree-hugging hippie-type, is hung up on the idea of plastic no matter how good it looks, and the other one, a retired business executive who actually cleans the fucking floor, is eager for something easier to maintain.

I won’t say which type of flooring we chose, because I can’t bear to hear any more arguments in favor of one over the other. But after an emotionally draining week of marginally civilized debate, we reached consensus.

That little episode was a reminder that retirement, especially with a pandemic piled on top, can stress otherwise solid relationships for various reasons. You’re getting older, you’re spending more time together, you’re getting sick of each other, your back hurts, you’re worried about money, you’re worried about dying, you’re getting fat, you’re bored – it’s just life, but life encumbered by diminishing resources and a looming expiration date.  

But we’re actually getting better at conflict resolution because we agreed to focus on fixing the problem not the person. Why get mad at each other for being exactly who we’ve always been?

For example, I mentioned in my last post our tent is toast, and we need a new one if we’re to continue camping. We have a reservation in July, and time’s a wasting. Historically, I’m the trip planner, as well as the chief outfitter, so the job of finding a new tent fell to me.

While I’m sure there are many hardy tents to be had, I could not find one that meets our specifications. Finally, I spoke.

I’m frustrated with tent shopping.

I don’t blame you.

I don’t blame you, either, for, you know, not helping.

Sorry, momentary lapse. Be nice. Focus on the problem not the person. And then I had a vision. What if we cancel the camping reservation at Lassen and stayed in a hotel outside the park? We’re fully vaccinated. And now we’re talking bed! Shower! Flush toilet! Temperature control! It’s a fiesta in there.

It was an easy sell. Not even a hint of resistance. I’m pleased to report Dale and I will now be enjoying Lassen Volcanic National Park from the comfort of a Best Western. The room includes a microwave and a refrigerator, and there are restaurants nearby. We’ll have choices.

I’ll continue to search for a new tent. Or not. The thing is, I like camping, but after more than a year of lockdown, it’s quite possible I like fiestas better.

16 thoughts on “Fix the problem not the person”

  1. Fix the problem not the person!
    What a beautifully written post AND you hit the bullseye. Thank you.

  2. hey Donna,
    I wanted to give you a heads up about Lassen. It’s probably all booked but Drakesbad in the park is amazing to stay at. We did it years ago and it is one of our most memorable experiences. But usually, it is way booked in advance. Still, it’s worth trying.

    1. I did see Drakesbad listed, but I think it was full. We’ll probably want to go back, so maybe we can get in next time.

    1. We were both exhausted from trying to “fix” each other and decided we’re fine as is. So something else gets fixed!

  4. Oh gosh, thanks for the laugh! My husband loved it to.

    So, just my opinion, worth what you paid for it, but . . . having just emerged from two weeks of unexpected hoteling after our new trailer’s axle failed, I find there to be no comparison. RVing/tenting gets you up close with nature in a way hoteling can not. Plus, nowhere to seat and chill in peace.

    Again, worth what you paid for it, but just my hot-off-the-press recent experience. We pick up our repaired trailer tomorrow and I cannot wait. ☺️

    1. Oh, how awful. I can’t imagine how frustrating that is. I do agree being outside in nature is different and mostly better, but we’ll see how it goes. Maybe there’s room in our lives for both options.

  5. When we were younger I gave in to my husband’s sensitivities a lot more than I do now (lol..older/wiser) and so we took 7 YEARS to debate the fabric vs leather couch thing. I won,eventually and we have gone leather ever since. Now, he lets ME do the decor,since he figured out he always likes what I choose, after all.

    I leave the Landscaping plans up to him.I wanted a lemon tree. He wanted orange.Orange it is.

    Camping: I am with YOU : A Best Western sounds like a GREAT IDEA!!! Showers! A bed with a mattress! A real BATHROOM!!!!!!! I don’t camp anymore.Never did it much but now I do it NEVER. My Hubble goes once a month during summer months and enjoys his solitude.I stay home and do happy hours with gal pals.And watch Rom-Coms.

    Floors: We have a small sitting room that needs a new floor: BOTH of us can’t decide. I have STICKER shock at ALL the options.I’d be ok with pergo.Hubby can’t. Real wood, waaay pricey. So, I just bought an area rug and threw it over the big rug.. it’s a small room so very little sticks out. I am amazed at how relaxed I have become about decorating. Before we downsized decor was a big thing for me.I have a nice home but I don’t sweat the small stuff anymore..

    And,it’s all small stuff…..

    1. Wow. You sound like us. Seven years to debate fabric versus leather. We are also less interested in decorating, and I think that’s why the floor was so hard. We have no clue.

      It does sound like you’ve reached great compromises. We are learning!

  6. “Fix the problem; not the person”….I think I shall embroider that on a pillowcase. 😉 JK, my eyes are not good enough for fine needlework anymore. I love how you solved the tent problem. Chances were good anyways, that you would have found the perfect tent only to learn it was unavailable anywhere, as camping gear is the new toilet paper.

    Deb

    1. I think I want that on a pillowcase: Camping gear is the new toilet paper. Have you looked for the little propane cylinders for camp stoves?????

  8. Firstly, congratulations on 42 years of marriage, that’s quite something in this day & age. Himself & I are getting better at implementing your advice of fixing the problem not the person. Fortunately we were both older & wiser when we got together but it’s always hard, as honestly, who doesn’t want their own way 🙂 I’m sure there are things we’d each would rather were different in the other, but we try to accept those by focusing on the bits we do love. It’s working so far. I think it’s why we’ve both coped reasonably well during COVID – while we do miss people & doing stuff, we’re essentially happy being with one another.

    1. That’s the crux of the problem — we both want our own way. But it really does help to focus on the problem not the person. I used to get so mad at him just being who he is. I mean, this is the man I chose to spend my life with. I’ve had to work hard to stop complaining about the characteristics that drive me nuts and only deal with whatever happens as a result … something we can fix. He likes it better, too!

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