For most, a job forces us to be competitive, whether we like it or not. We crawl our way to the top of the pile to make more money, validate our self-worth and provide for our families.
Sometimes it’s hard to differentiate between competition against others and competition against ourselves. When all is said and done, there might not be much of a difference – a standard of being better than someone else or better than you can ever hope to be?
And then you retire, and you still have this competitive drive all dressed up and nowhere to go. We may channel that energy into sports, hobbies, side gigs or travel, and like so many others, we often compete for attention on social media. We want to be good at something. We want to be seen.
I’m beginning to think the holy grail of retirement – or maybe just aging in general – is choosing to become less competitive and more mindful. While competition can be motivating, it’s all too easy to judge yourself harshly. I’ve always been way too hard on myself, and at this point in my life, I’m trying to focus on enjoying the experience more than the outcome.
For example, golf is one of my passions. I play in a women’s league at a local club. The rules are quite persnickety and the prizes are meager, yet competition is fierce. Bragging rights, I guess. I took pride in suggesting I didn’t care about winning, although I freely admitted I didn’t want to be DFL – dead fucking last.
What a surprise to wake up and realize if you care about losing, you care about winning. Even striving to be in the middle of the pack is its own little contest.
All that said, I’m not suggesting people abandon competition completely. It’s not about giving up. I still like the idea of challenging ourselves to do exceptional things. But I definitely think retirement is the right time to moderate our expectations and find new ways to feel rewarded.
Try to forget about winning or losing. Be kind to yourself no matter where you rank in the hierarchy of achievements. Focus on the pleasures of the game itself, your interactions with people, sharing your work with others or the creative process of making art or putting a business project together.
At the end of the day, whatever drives you, ask yourself this: would you do it for love?
Ah, competition against others vs competition with ourselves. I usually shy away from the fomer but the latter has my name written all over it. I’m slightly better about this in retirement, at least IMHO (but don’t check with my husband about this – he likely has a completely different opinion). 😀
It’s definitely a journey. I will not be asking my husband what he thinks about all this!
As always – your thoughts seem like they come right from my own deepness. I retired around the same time you did and have struggled with the abruptness. I am teaching meditation and agree that mindfulness is a key component of living well in retirement. And of course love is always the answer, to everything. But it’s still a challenge for me. Art, friends, meditation, walks in nature – all helpful.
I’ve always been told I’m too abrupt. Maybe it’s a Donna thing? Your list of helpful activities sounds great! I think if we keep working on it, we’ll land in the right place.
Love the sea theme in the pictured piece. It seems like every new one becomes my favorite.
Never thought I was competitive, but realized when I started doing challenges (walking, running, at the gym) that I really want to be first. Trying to back off that thinking now.
Thank you so much! This one might be my favorite as well.
It is interesting to discover we are more competitive than we think. I was shocked when I figured out not wanting to be DFL isn’t much different.
Your DFL comment reminds me of my neighbor who told me his father imparted a bit of wisdom on him about yardwork. “You don’t have to have the best lawn on the street, but you sure don’t want to be the worst one!”.
We’ve always taken that approach, but now that I think about it, it’s still competition.
What a great question. I’ve never been competitive, except with myself – but I suspect that’s simply as it gave me the fuel to give myself a good beating up (it’s the catholic in me, I suspect).
While I’ve certainly mellowed with age and am very much more accepting of people’s foibles and life in general, I’m getting angrier than ever before about incompetence, arrogance and lack of principle from those in authority. I suspect my fuse has yet to be blown only because of my daily walks and meditation.
As for those things I’d do for love, I’d still write and coach people to live their best possible life even if I didn’t need to earn a living. I class one as a passion and the other as a calling.
For a minute there, I thought you were an American talking about politics — incompetence, arrogance and lack of principle. Thankfully, we do have our walks and meditation.
Your idea that one is a passion and one is a calling is interesting. I’ve always written, I can’t not write, but I wouldn’t call it a passion. More like a calling. I never thought about it that way before, but I like it a lot. Thank you!