A guy I play golf with took it upon himself to share his thoughts about my personality.
He said I seemed intelligent and independent, but I was aloof and didn’t show enough interest in other people. I need to ask more questions, he said, if I want people to like me. I just nodded.
Hmmm, so not interested in your thoughts on this subject.
For the record, I’ve never been a social animal, just a few close friends, but people seem to like me well enough … as in not universally despised. That’s a distinction I’m rather proud of.
My buddy is extroverted, randomly chats up people on the golf course and asks a million questions, some kind of personal, and although I find it annoying, it’s not a deal-breaker. As an introvert, I try to avoid the talkers, but somehow we started playing together regularly. He’s a decent fellow, and I don’t want to work all that hard to find someone new.
I actually did play with someone new this week and thought, what the hell? Ask a question. The problem is questions lead to answers, and if you get a talker, sometimes those answers are more than you bargained for. Then there’s always the possibility of sliding down that slippery slope to conversation.
Seems like I prefer exercise without conversation. I suppose that’s why I’m drawn to swimming and long walks alone.
Anyway, my buddy and I are supposed to play again next week, and I’m hoping he’ll have moved onto the next person to fix. I’m not going to apologize for being an introvert. As always, I try to be a pleasant and encouraging partner. No temper tantrums. A laugh, a smile, a thumbs up. Great putt! Wow, you smoked that drive!
Don’t get me wrong. I do enjoy people. Let’s get a beer afterward, and you can talk all you want.
I don’t know why he felt compelled to share all that, but in the end, I’m glad he did. In a strange way, it was validating. As I reflected on his comments, I’d say he wasn’t far off on my personality assessment. The part he got wrong was thinking I should do something to change it.
Feeling comfortable in your old flawed skin is one of the great pleasures of aging.
Chair Yoga
Yet another great pleasure is discovering something new that makes you happy. A recent addition to my happiness bucket is chair yoga. It feels good mentally and physically, and it’s reducing my back and leg pain.
I did the 7-day free trial at YogaVista.tv and tested a variety of YouTube videos. I liked Yoga Vista a lot, but one of the instructors had a voice that reminded me of anesthesia, so I didn’t renew. I looked for similar sites that had a wide selection of chair yoga practices but couldn’t find any.
After a week or so of random YouTube videos, I decided Yoga Vista was a better deal and signed up for $9.99 a month. There are lots of instructors, so I can easily avoid the drip, drip, drip of anesthesia voice.
While gentle is not a word typically associated with me, I am trying to take the less is more approach to this new endeavor. My goal is to stick with it forever and watch myself grow stronger and more flexible over time. Some of the workouts also address balance, which is important, because we don’t bounce like we used to.
I still attend the in-person class at my health club when I can, but I also set up an area in our guest bedroom, where I can take my laptop and follow the instructors on the screen. I like to think of it as a chair yoga room of one’s own, except I share it with the occasional guest and Dale’s war books. The cat seems quite mesmerized by the whole thing.
Some of the chair exercises are sitting and some are standing, using the chair for support. I have just enough room to accommodate all the movements.
Kind of perfect for an introvert, don’t you think?
Absolutely perfect!
I had the same thing happen to me in university. One of my classmates felt called upon to let me know that I needed to overcome my shyness. I just smiled. I could have said, “I’m not shy. I just don’t like you.” But she wasn’t worth the effort, and I never had to deal with her in any of my labs ever again.
Deb
“I’m not shy. I just don’t like you.” Hilarious.
Rude, Mansplainer, they just want to Fix women.
You know, I do think that’s part of it. One of the other guys we play with is a piece of work, and no one says jack shit to him.
Absoflippin’ lutely. Many, many things are said to women that no one would have the nerve to say to men. Can you imagine your golf partner trying to “fix” another man?
I have to say you are far more accommodating than I. I would have torn that guy a new one.
I played with him yesterday, and he complained about another guy who he says isn’t a good conversationalist. Of course, he says this to ME, not him. I said, maybe he’s like me. An introvert who doesn’t want to talk all that much. We’re fine the way we are. I think that got his attention.
Good for you being aware of and comfortable with your personality type. As someone who facilitated many programs about more than one type of personality assessment (Myers Briggs and others), all Types are important and help make the world a more interesting place.
I did not know I was an introvert until I started to take all those assessments at work. I’m not shy and was always into public speaking, so I thought, how can I be an introvert? But a few tests later, I totally get it. I definitely get my energy from within. And you are so right about all types being important. I love when the extroverts take over the room! I can just kick back and watch.
Hi, Donna – I am still laughing over Deb’s “I’m not shy. I just don’t like you” comment. If you ever try it out, please blog about it. 😀
The assuming nature of your golf partner was unbelievable to me. You are a better person than me for not punching him!
Many thanks to Deb — one of the best lines ever.
I don’t react physically, but you should hear the things I say under my breath.
When our son was in first grade, I received I call from his teacher, one of the very best in the school. She expressed concern that he was not playing with other children. I asked if he was following her instructions in class and working cooperatively on projects with other students when required. She replied yes to both. At that point, and with all due respect, I asked her to please just leave him alone. To her credit, she never pressured him, and he eventually connected with a boy who remained his best friend through elementary school. Our little apple did not fall far from the introvert tree but, unlike your golfing companion, his teacher did not feel compelled to pick him up and try to fix him.
By the way, Donna, I’m a long-time reader and an infrequent commenter, but the misunderstanding of introverts and introversion is a personal hot button. Your “friend” just pressed it. Hard.
Hi Mary — thank you so much for being a long-time reader! I so appreciate the story about your son. You were the smart one to tell the teacher to leave him alone. I’m giving my “friend” a one-time pass. He’s old and has been a bit wobbly of late. But I’m already practicing my elevator speech if it should happen again.
Wow… just wow. Obviously he thought that you needed fixing. I am an introvert too and it rankles me that, somehow, extroversion is the normal/preferred/default personality type. Long ago, someone described me as “reserved” and tried to “help” me to become less-so. I have many friends who I enjoy and love to interact with. If someone is (IMHO) lucky enough to be welcomed into my circle, they will know that I am not reserved.
What a great perspective! None of my close friends would call me reserved, but it seems like everyone else does.
I recently ran across a “diagnosis” that fits me to a T. Rather that being classified as an ANTI-SOCIAL INTROVERT, definitely often considered a negative by others, I am actually SELECTIVELY SOCIAL. Much nicer sounding and at least in my mind a more accurate label.
Selectively social. That’s my new mantra. It’s perfect! Thank you so much for sharing this little treasure.
Your statement says it all: “ Feeling comfortable in your old flawed skin is one of the great pleasures of aging.”
I’ve never been a social person either but learned to take on a faux persona during the years that I worked and dropped it once I got home. Have generally had one good friend wherever I’ve lived from childhood onward and that’s all I seem to need or want. I like a lot of alone time, or as one person put it, “I enjoy the company of myself.”
I like Yoga Vista for the variety, price and ability to take a class that fits in my schedule. Our “guest” room is more like our physical therapy room now with a padded mat, several rollers, balls and other paraphernalia. I also have a chair in there now for chair yoga but I’ve been known to sit on the ottoman in the den before bedtime to do an upper body stretch one before going to bed. I’m the night owl and insomniac so I have the den to myself by then.
And alas, I’m off the gabapentin because it caused swelling in my legs. Makes me very sad because it ticked all the boxes and then some until the swelling started, and I was on a very low dose. For a month I got to live in an alternate universe with delight, but I guess there’s no reward for the medically sensitive. It was worth a try though and I’m not adverse to trying something else in the future.
I had to fake it at work, too. So much easier now without all that pretense.
I’m liking YogaVista. Thanks so much for the suggestion. I also like that I can do it when I want. The class at the health club doesn’t always align with my busy retirement schedule!
I’m so sorry to hear you can’t take the gabapentin anymore. How awful to be teased with that alternate universe, only to have it pulled out from underneath. I hope you find something else that helps.
Crikey! That’s umm… really rude I’d say. I’m an extravert, but I have never told anyone what *I* think is wrong with them. I might respond to a request from a good friend who asks me for feedback, but what an ass.
Funnily enough, I am becoming more introverted as I age and as people who need me eat up my reserves faster than I can build them up.
I’m still having a ponder about chair yoga, mostly because it’s not reached the top of my list yet. But I do love your set up!
Yes, fewer and fewer “friends” as I age. I think I have always been pretty well liked because I’m a really good listener. But as the decades slid by I realized the listening wasn’t really reciprocated. So I whittled away a few lifelong friends. Come on peoples, just a little reciprocity, please.
I recently read many of us become more introverted as we age. I know I certainly have.
I have a name for those people who like to ask questions: nosy! And I’d rather be called aloof than nosy.
I agree! He is nosy.
Mansplainer! Ugh. From what i have read, I am a social introvert,also. I don’t get energy from being with people,even though I do enjoy friends. I am talkative at times, and do enjoy social outings.But not every day. I need 3 or 4 or even 5 days a week at home, in my kitchen, on my patio, with a good recipe or a good book. I enjoy riging my bike ALL BYMYSELF a couple of mornings a week.. When I DO socialize, I enjoy my friends, I am not at all shy! I have done public speaking and taught groups, and while i enjoy the activities, it tends to DEPLETE my energy, it does not energize me,I RE ENERGIZE when I am alone and have time to relax and hang out with myself. Then I am ready for a social outing again.I never ever go “do stuff” with people two days in a row!!
I love the rule about not doing stuff with people two days in a row. A woman after my own heart.