Category: Style & Fashion

Facing the aging face

My sister-in-law arrived for a visit. I had not seen her in several years, and my first reaction at the airport was, wow, she looks fabulous! I couldn’t quite figure out the difference – a little thinner? A new hair color? I didn’t have to wonder for long. She was eager to show me the before and after pics. It would seem she’s had a little work done.

She just turned 60. For as long as I have known her, she hated the way her face sagged and often complained she had no cheekbones. She used to pull the skin up on her face tight to show me the potential. We called it mirror surgery. All that is history, because now she has only subtle middle-aged wrinkles and cheekbones that could knock out Mike Tyson. Yet, it looks entirely natural.

S-I-L has chronic health issues, so she made a vow of no cosmetic surgery. She said it would suck to live through her shit and then die getting a face lift. With two cancers behind me, I can relate. So, what was her magic? Injectables, fillers. No surgery, and she looks at least 10 years younger.

Typically, I am anti-whatever when it comes to doing anything in a feeble attempt to look younger. Until I saw her transformation, I hadn’t given wrinkles much thought. At 62, my face still looks OK to me, but upon further examination, I was shocked to discover my neck has more folds than Marie Kondo’s t-shirts.

Cosmetic intervention is tempting, but I’m probably not going to mess with it. The visible signs of aging actually don’t bother me much. And what other people think about my aging face doesn’t bother me at all. I’m happy with who I am, how I look and how I am living my life.

However, my opinion about “having a little work done” has changed. I felt proud and principled because I was going to leave my face alone no matter what. Big deal. If we’re lucky, we get to age and do what makes us happy. There’s no prize at the end for judging everyone else’s decisions.

How about you? Intervention or no intervention? There is no wrong answer.

Casual clothes for retirement

When I was working full-time, I put effort into assembling a stylish wardrobe that was appropriate for my workplace but also felt true to who I am. No stilettos for me, thank you. Perhaps my greatest professional accomplishment was putting together an outfit that included a pencil skirt and rubber-soled shoes. Oh yes, I did it. My ugly shoe game is strong.

But that time is gone. I might need a professional-looking outfit or something suitable for a city engagement once in a great while, but mostly I need clothes I can goof off in! Now that I’m retired, my days are mostly about being at home, reading, writing, cooking, grocery shopping, playing golf and walking or hiking. An occasional dinner out. I’ve put zero effort into style. My look is often what we used to call, “Joe Shit the Rag Man.”

The fashion blogs are filled with cool, stylish outfits, but I don’t need those kinds of outfits. I need play clothes! And that is why I went to REI this week. Plus, I had a gift card from my retirement party, so it was like free stuff. I bought two pairs of shorts and a top, and that pretty much burned up the card. I see future shopping trips to T.J. Maxx and other discount stores. Still, my new free shorts by prAna are modern with great fabric and great fit with a zippered pocket! I also love the longer length. I’m smitten.

I thought I was over wanting to look fashionable, but I’ve come to the conclusion I don’t want my retirement diary to be, “My Life as a Slob.” Retirement is an opportunity to reinvent ourselves. It’s obvious I will need proper clothes for the journey. I have ugly shoes, so that’s a head start.

 

 

Mastectomy without reconstruction is a choice

If you know me, it came as no surprise I would have a mastectomy without reconstruction. Oh, there’s Donna, that independent cuss. You would also know my favorite TV show is Chopped, hence the swag. The hat was a gift when I was on medical leave, and at the time, I didn’t think anything about it. In hindsight, it’s pretty funny, and wearing the hat today was just another twisted coincidence.

Getting chopped on the Food Network show or in real life is no fun. For those who face breast cancer treatment or may someday wrestle with this decision, I wanted to share my reasons for taking this path and how I have fared without breasts. It’s called going flat. It’s not for everyone, but it’s a viable option for many, including BRCA-positives who are considering prophylactic mastectomy to reduce risk.

First of all, I had some history. In 1999, I was diagnosed with advanced stage ovarian cancer. Two surgeries took a toll, and I had hoped to spend the rest of my life anywhere but in the operating room. Then in 2015, I was diagnosed with non-invasive breast cancer. Typical treatment for my diagnosis is lumpectomy and radiation, however, I tested positive for the BRCA1 mutation.

The doctor said with my history of ovarian cancer and now knowing I was BRCA-positive, we would have to be aggressive, since the cancer was more likely to come back and not play nice next time around. My treatment would be bilateral mastectomy.

I can’t remember how it occurred to me I might not need breasts, but here’s the executive summary:

  • My overriding thought was to spend as little time as possible being down for the count.
  • No reconstruction translated to less time in the hospital.
  • I saw implants as something alien that wouldn’t feel like real breasts anyway.
  • Would implants interfere with my golf swing?
  • Implants don’t last forever, so that’s another hospital visit down the road.
  • I didn’t like the image of my future 70-something body with 30-something breasts.

My husband and I discussed it. He was shocked but then got used to the idea and said he would support whatever I decided. He has always been a leg man, anyway. I found inspiring pictures of “Flat & Fabulous” women on the Internet. I saw beautiful chest tattoos and that little rebel in me said, hell, yeah, so I put that idea on the back burner for future consideration.

I’ve heard some doctors argue with a patient who doesn’t want reconstruction. They assume you will regret it, but my doctor had no concerns. He knew I already survived ovarian cancer against all odds, and he knew I wasn’t there to fool around. I said make me look like a 10-year-old boy – I don’t want a bunch of skin leftover in case I change my mind. He said OK.

Some women have parties to say farewell to their breasts, complete with boobie party favors and whatnot. But I was never one to celebrate breast-focused culture and loathed references to ta-tas or girls. Maybe that’s why it wasn’t such a big deal for me. I got the sleek look I was going for, and I’ve never looked back. I didn’t bother to get fitted for a prosthesis.

Aside from the lingering issues of post-mastectomy pain, I’m comfortable where I ended up. It’s fabulous not to wear bras or worry about buying bras, which is right up there with root canals. Clothes and swimsuits can be challenging but not a deal breaker. I favor close-fitting tops that don’t attempt to hide my flatness.

I’ve had a few looks, but honestly, people are self-absorbed and don’t notice. A woman on the golf course asked me if I was a breast cancer survivor because she noticed I was flat. That’s it. No one has said anything awful to me – though I’ve heard some people are horrified by breastlessness and angry with those of us who dare to appear in public. I hang with a different crowd.

The tattoo idea is still out there, but I’m not sure I need it. When I look in the mirror, I’m a scarred up mess, but I’m alive and already highly decorated.

A low-maintenance undo hairdo for retirement

Have you thought about what your hair might look like as you get older?

My hair started planning for retirement before I did. I stopped dying it in 2008, partly because I didn’t want to mess with chemicals anymore and partly because I didn’t want to waste time and money at the salon. I ended up liking my natural color better than the patented brown dye job with blonde highlights.

First I went gray, then I went short and then I went long. I always had bangs because they were comforting – I didn’t like seeing my aging face exposed. But bangs require trims, which is just one more thing. I also wear hats, and I find bangs and hats don’t mix well. So, I grew out my bangs, made peace with my face and ended up with a long bob.

This is what I call retirement hair. No dye and only needs a haircut every couple of months. It’s the low-maintenance money-saving undo hairdo. I have fine fairy hair. Is it ideal? No. I’ve learned to embrace my hair’s natural qualities and just let it do what it wants. No blow dryer, no curling iron, no other products.

My hair is dry. I shampoo and condition in the evenings about twice a week. I might have retired earlier if I hadn’t spent so much money on useless hair products. I finally settled on Klorane, which I buy at Ulta. Klorane products don’t have silicones, so it took a few weeks for my hair to adjust, but now I really like how it looks and feels. Sometimes there’s a little frizz – so what.

I go to bed with it damp, and whatever I wake up with, is whatever I wake up with. The picture above is second-day hair. If for some reason I don’t like the way it looks down, I put it in my trusty man bun – otherwise known as a messy bun. That’s it!

I’m currently using the Klorane shampoo and conditioner with mango. Every couple of weeks, I use the whitening shampoo with Centaury, which I have found to be much better than any of the purple shampoos I’ve used in the past. And it smells divine.

How do you want your hair to evolve as you get older? I know there are men reading this and thinking, I’d just like to have hair. There are women thinking that, too! We’ve been torturing our heads for years, and chances are, these precious follicles could use a break in retirement. Learn to love what you have (or don’t have) and go enjoy the rest of your life!

 

 

What to wear in retirement?

There are dozens of blogs about fashion and style for women over 50. This is not one of them. Some of the looks are inspiring, but when it’s all said and done, appearance is not my hobby.

Not that I want to look bad. But even if you fight the cosmetic effects of aging with surgery, injectables, hair dye and fashion-forward outfits, guess what? You are still getting old. It’s liberating to love life and accept how you look with a minimum of effort. I’m willing to try, just not that hard, and I don’t want my legacy to be she died wearing cute clothes.

That said, appearance haunts a lot of us as we age, and worrying about what to wear is hardwired into my brain. My mother used to say she would slit her wrists if she couldn’t buy a new blouse. We didn’t have much money, but we had fancy church outfits with matching hats and little purses. A special shorts set for our annual trip to Disneyland. How fun it was to shop for school dresses at Sears – three for $10.

Dressing well appealed to me in theory, but I didn’t find my sweet spot until late in my career. For me, it was all about keeping it simple. I put a fair amount of time into finding a few classic outfits for work, and then I was done! I didn’t go shopping again unless I needed a replacement.

Now that I’m retired, I usually wear something comfortable for puttering around the house and suitable for my afternoon walk. My equivalent of yoga pants. But there are occasions where I need something more, and I’ve been informed by a dear friend previously known as Stylish Young Coworker (SYC) that men’s jeans from Kohl’s aren’t my best option.

I honestly appreciate experts weighing in because it saves me the work. A reader shared an endorsement for Levi’s boyfriend jeans … ordered them from Amazon but didn’t like the way they fit. I texted a picture of me wearing them to another special person in my life we shall call Bossy Fashion Friend (BFF).

Me: these are boyfriend jeans. aren’t they supposed to be baggy?

BFF: I like the more fitted bf jean. Not a fan of the loose. Because if you go big, you’ll get that sag that’s not flattering.

Me: these are the men’s jeans i like

BFF: Lol. They are too loose on you! There should be a dong in the crotch of those.

Me: hahahaha

BFF: Keep the bf ones. Super cute and flattering.

Then she started talking slouchy tees and cardis, and my eyes glazed over. I seriously do not want to spend much time thinking about clothes. Just need a couple of minimalist go-to retirement outfits so I can forget about it and go on with life.

BFF: Your work wardrobe was on point. Now you need casual clothes.

Me: yes, i usually wear track pants. today is the first day in a week i put on real clothes.

Since I was already dressed, why not head over to Kohl’s and check out the women’s department? I tried on Levi’s slimming skinny jeans, and I liked them! I texted BFF a picture from the dressing room.

Me: what think?

BFF: YES! So cute! Those jeans are fab.

Me: ok. i’m buying.

Since I was on a roll, I went back to the men’s department. It’s like a magnet. Secret deals only men know about. I had to twist strangely to read the label on the jeans I was wearing, but I saw they were Levi’s 505s.

Why, what luck! There they are! I selected a size smaller than I currently wear out of respect for dreaded butt sag, and they fit. Men’s jeans have nice deep pockets. I guess they shorten the pockets on women’s jeans to reduce bulk, because bulk is the devil’s work.

In the end, I left Kohl’s with skinny jeans, a light denim shirt, men’s jeans and another pair of track pants. I got home and tried them all on again, because that is what I do. I also wanted to see how the skinny jeans paired with Birkenstocks, because I’m all about ugly shoes.

Me: with birkies??

BFF: Yes, love that!! And roll up your sleeves a bit, too.

Dang, she is bossy. But back to my original question. What to wear in retirement? Whatever you want!